"Phos, you'll catch pneumonia if you don't wear a proper coat!"
Antarc, despite their callous attitude sometimes, was extremely maternal when it came to Phos. They disguised it in disappointed looks, in begrudged sighs and even in rolling eyes. But they cared for Phos a lot. It was a lot of work looking out for someone who was so careless, but it was worth every second. It was an exciting time: this was Phos's first time spending winter in a place that got snow, and they were incredibly excited to experience all that a cold winter had to offer! They had moved to a place with a colder climate due to a rare condition Antarc had developed that made it difficult for them to stay in a place with a hot climate. The two had lived together for years as roommates; as partners. There was no way Phos was going to leave them now.
The place they moved to is where Antarc grew up—a little town just outside of St. John's in Newfoundland. They had both lived together in the big city of Portland, Oregon where they had gone to school. Antarc had a dual citizenship—with due thanks to their late parents—so it wasn't difficult to move to Canada, but it did take some time to make sure Phos would have the proper paperwork to join them.
The two were excited to head downtown to try out the local skating rink. Phos was especially looking forward to Antarc teaching them how to skate.
But before they could arrive downtown, something terrible awaited them.
Driving on the country roads was no easy task, but especially so in the winter time. With Phos in the driver's seat with little experience in driving in winter weather, there was bound to be some difficulty, but...
They never imagined it would have turned out like this.
When trying to turn down the winding roads, Phos hit black ice. The car spun out of control, and eventually submerged in the nearby river, after breaking the ice.
Phos was luckily able to force their door open underwater, but when they looked to Antarc, it was a ghastly sight. The resulting crash into the ice had pinned them to their seat. A large chunk of ice prevented them from being able to move, much less reach for the door. Phos attempted to move the ice, but it was much too large to move on their own. Still, they kept trying. They couldn't leave Antarc. They attempted to move the ice in so many different ways, trying to come at it from different directions and angles. But it was no use - the ice would not budge, and Phos was running out of time.
Sensing the danger and urgency of the situation, Antarc only smiled as they pushed Phos away with what little force they had. But it was enough. Phos understood why, but they would not allow it. They swam back to Antarc, who only pushed them away again.
Before Phos could swim back a second time, they felt a pair of arms wrap around them as they were brought to the surface. The last sight of Antarc smiling as they and the car slowly sank further down.
When the stranger that brought Phos to the surface emerged from the water, they placed Phos on the edge of the river and climbed up beside them. They had short, platinum hair with a side part that covered their left eye, and two locks of hair on each side of their head that reached down to their chest. Their eyes were a similar colour, and Phos noticed that they sparkled when the sunlight hit them.
When Phos attempted to dive back into the water, the stranger held them back. Phos screamed to be let go, yelling Antarc's name over and over again. The stranger only held a tighter grip, refusing to let go. When Phos realized escaping was not an option, they forfeited. By now Antarc would be...
"I'm sorry, but your friend is..." The stranger had a voice that was very quiet and meek, and even though Phos was so angry, so upset, and so incredibly distraught, their voice felt so calming and reassuring. Phos couldn't bring themselves to be angry at them, despite everything inside of them screaming to be enraged. "There's no way I can—"
"I know... I know! But Antarc..." Phos mumbled through the tears that had begun to form in their eyes. "They were my... m-my partner! For so many years." They wanted to speak more but couldn't stop themselves from sobbing, and found themself crying into the shoulder of this stranger.
The stranger didn't mind—in fact, they continued to hold Phos as tight as they could to reassure them they were not going anywhere. "I'm so sorry."
Phos sat up after some time, removing themself from the stranger's embrace, and just stared blankly into the water. Antarc was there. Antarc had been alive only minutes ago, they had been by their side only moments ago. But now...
The stranger got up momentarily. Reaching behind them, they grabbed a fleece blanket and draped it over Phos's shoulders. Water dripped from their hair as icicles began to form on the ends. Snow had begun to fall from the sky, adding to the rapid drop in temperature as the sky began to turn dark. The wind howled, blowing Phos's hair in and out of their face. They attempted to bury their face in the heavy white scarf they donned, but it only helped so much, considering it was soaked.
Phos felt completely shattered. One minute they were driving with Antarc by their side, listening to the radio. Some old music they didn't recognize was playing, but Phos swore they would never forget the song that played when they started to slide on black ice.
"Shine on you crazy diamond."
They would never forget.
The stranger sat back down beside Phos, explaining to them that emergency had been called to the scene. Paramedics and police would be on their way soon to go over the situation and make sure Phos would be okay.
"Why?" Phos asked, completely disillusioned. They weren't sure if they were asking themselves or the stranger at this point. They weren't even fully sure what 'why' they were searching for.
The stranger frowned. "I can't tell you why, but... I'm glad I spotted the accident and was able to save you."
Phos looked at this strange person, who did their best to smile something reassuring. "Who... are you?"
They smiled. "My name is Ghost."
"Ghost... I want to say thank you, but I—"
"It's understandable." Ghost interrupted. "I'm sorry I couldn't save your partner."
A long silence grew between the two of them as the sound of sirens blared in the distance. As they began to sound louder and louder, Phos shifted to move closer to Ghost. They didn't want to think about being examined and asked questions that they knew were coming. "Ph-Phos. My name is Phos."
"I'll stay with you as long as you need, Phos."
Phos forced a grim smile. "You don't even know me, and yet you've helped me more than I could ever ask for. Why?"
Ghost smiled in a way that felt sad somehow. "This may sound selfish, but... I lost one of my best friends to a car accident like this years ago. I can't just leave you. I couldn't forgive myself if I did."
As the sirens grew ever closer, Phos prepared themself for the worst.
“You say you just moved here recently with your partner?”
A police officer had been questioning Phos for some time now, and it was starting to worry Ghost. They could see Phos’s expression begin to harden with each question. How many times would the officer ask these painful questions? Surely this was enough!
“Yeah, we moved here because of their condition… They have to live in a cold climate.”
“Uh huh. And the accident was your fault?”
Phos gulped away a tight knot in their throat, knowing full well the officer didn't mean to offend—but it sure hurt to hear it. “Yeah..." They started. "I’m not used to driving in winter weather so I... slipped on black ice.”
“Well, it'll be up to the insurance company to determine what happens to your car…”
The questions continued as Ghost was only able to watch, trying to support Phos simply by being present. They wished there was more they could do.
When the officer finally finished his questioning, Phos let out a sigh of relief. They had been examined by the paramedics before hand, so they finally had a chance to breathe. Nothing seemed to be amiss, but they adamantly suggested Phos return home as soon as they were able—to where it was warm. They offered a police car to drive them there, but Phos was ultimately more comfortable to accept Ghost’s offer to drive them.
On the drive there, it was quiet, save for the occasional peep from Phos about what direction to take. Ghost navigated as well as they could, making sure to drive a bit more slowly than usual to put Phos at ease. When they finally reached the small apartment building that Phos lived in, Ghost tried to be as supportive as possible.
“Take care, okay?” They smiled, trying to be positive.
Phos forced a smile. “Yeah. Thank you for everything.”
They opened the car door and left, fumbling to find the right key to open the door to the building. It was a miracle that Phos’s keys stayed in their pocket throughout the accident, but it was a miracle Phos had wished would have been saved for Antarc. Ghost watched Phos until they were sure they were safely inside, and then drove away.
When Phos opened the door to their apartment, everything caught up to them. This apartment that they picked out with Antarc was only theirs now. They didn't think about the more logical side of things, like how they were going to afford rent—no. They instead couldn't stop thinking about how Antarc wouldn't be around to wake them up every morning with coffee and toast. Antarc would no longer be there to warm Phos up in bed when they were cold, even under all the covers. They wouldn't be able to surprise Antarc with a warm dinner when they came home from work. No—instead Phos felt a wave of loneliness crash over them. They had moved to this brand new city for Antarc, and now they were gone.
Phos dragged their feet to the shower and lost themself in the steaming heat. They tried to block out all the pain their heart would not stop feeling, but only found themself crying through most of it. They stayed a long time in the shower, but eventually got out when the water started fluctuating between hot and cold quite rapidly. They dried themself off and stumbled to their bedroom, where Phos fell on the queen sized bed naked, cuddling Antarc’s side of the bed where they eventually fell asleep.
It had been two weeks since the accident, but life kept on moving for Phos. They had caught a slight cold, but they couldn’t afford to miss work. In fact, they had to pick up extra shifts in order to afford rent, bills, and everything else. The extra hours were starting to take a toll, though. Phos was absolutely exhausted from the 40+ hour work week, but thankfully they had a day off soon.
The days spent at home after work were always long. Phos usually ended up going to sleep early, and sleeping in late the next day. They had started sleeping for twelve hours a night, which they had never done before. Sure, they had always dreaded mornings, but the most amount of sleep they ever needed was eight hours. This was a bit excessive.
Losing Antarc had an incredibly adverse effect on Phos, no doubt. They had stopped eating properly, found themselves losing interest in their usual hobbies, and even had difficulty with their concentration. Their hair was always a mess, and they kept eating fast food when their stomach would gurgle at 7pm, pleading to be fed. Oftentimes they wouldn’t eat at all, and found their weight fluctuating constantly.
Phos assumed all the changes in their behaviour and lifestyle were a result of losing Antarc, and didn't really think too much about it.
They should have been reaching out to their friends and family, no doubt, but they couldn’t bring themselves to. Phos’s parent—while not related to them by blood—would have given them comfort, but Phos didn’t want to chance them worrying too much. They would want Phos back home, and even if that sounded tempting, Phos refused to move. They were incredibly stubborn, and didn’t want to go back. No matter how hard things were right now, Phos would make it on their own. They knew Antarc would have wanted that.
Phos’s sibling too, would be incredibly worried, and Phos didn’t want to bring them down. Jade meant a lot to Phos, and the last thing they wanted was for them to be concerned.
Phos never did have a lot of friends, but they kept in contact with one person from their teenage years—Cinnabar. Cinnabar was always very aloof, and didn’t really open themself up a lot, but for some reason Phos did everything they could to be their friend. They met on an online forum years ago, and had been friends ever since. So what if they met online? That didn't change anything. Phos just couldn't turn a blind eye to Cinnabar, who always seemed so lonely—they decided long ago to be that one source of friendship for Cinnabar, no matter what it took. They stayed friends as they grew up, but as they got older, they found themselves drifting apart as Cinnabar isolated themself even further. They did wish Phos a pleasant journey the day before they left though!—and it made Phos’s heart well up with joy.
Now, though? Phos didn’t want to face Cinnabar and have them see how broken they had become, nor did they want to burden Cinnabar with their problems.
Phos thought about trying to make friends in this new town, but who would want to be friends with someone so miserable anyway?
Doesn’t it seem to always be when we least expect it, that the right people come into our lives, though?
It was at last the final hour of Phos’s shift at the flower shop, and they were ready to collapse from exhaustion. It had been a long nine hour shift, with very few customers and not a lot to do. Phos found themself playing on their phone for a lot of the shift, checking social media absentmindedly. They even downloaded a cute bird collecting game to keep them busy.
Suddenly, Phos heard the bell chime on the door, indicating someone had entered the store. Judging by the time, they had an idea of who it might be.
A very cheerful looking customer walked in, whose hair was as radiant as the sun. It was a very bright platinum with a streak of rainbow throughout, which seemed to sparkle in the sunlight. Their smile accented the vivid colour of their hair, which made them almost glow. It was just the person they had been expecting—a regular that would come in every couple of days. They always bought different flowers, and were very friendly and polite. Phos couldn’t help but smile themselves when this person walked over to where they were standing at the register.
“What can I get for you today?”
“Can I get a bundle of sunflowers, please?” They asked, a smile on their face even more radiant than before.
Phos couldn’t help but smile back at them. They were always so cute. “Sure, how many would you like?”
“Five, if you could!”
Phos nodded and gathered five stems of sunflowers, assembled from a small corner of the store that held them. They wrapped it up in a clear plastic bag that held the flowers together, and rushed back to the register where the customer had already taken out their wallet.
Punching in the details of the order, the register flashed with the price. “Your total will be $27.50. How will you be paying today?”
“Debit, please.”
Phos hit the button on the register that allowed debit payment, and it went through without hassle. They gave the bundle of sunflowers to the customer, who happily took it.
“How has your day been today?” They asked curiously, putting their wallet back in their purse while juggling the sunflowers.
Phos sighed. “Not bad, but it's been pretty slow today…”
“Oh, I'm sorry to hear that!” They replied, slinging their purse behind their back. “By the way, I’ve never properly introduced myself, have I? My name is Dia.”
“Oh, it’s nice to meet you! I'm Phos.”
Dia nodded, smiling enthusiastically at Phos. “Phos… what a cute name. It's nice to meet you Phos!” Pausing for a moment, Dia stared at the ground for a moment before continuing. “Um, I know this may be weird to ask but… would you be interested in going out for coffee some time?”
Phos was a bit taken aback by the sudden question, and wasn't sure how to respond. “E-Eh?”
Dia noticed the slight panic on Phos’s face and tried their best to reassure them they had nothing but good intentions. They just wanted to make friends! They had learned Phos was new to the city beforehand, and they just seemed so… lonely. “I’m just interested in being friends, of course! You seem very sweet, and we look to be the same age!”
“Oh, okay!” Phos responded, relieved that the tension and uneasiness inside of them had settled. The two exchanged numbers, and Dia left the store glowing.
After they left, Phos worked diligently on closing preparations while there were no customers in the store, eventually heading home early since no one else came in.
Upon arriving home, Phos dropped their bag on the floor and took off their jacket and boots, dragging themselves to the living room couch. They took out their brand new phone that insurance helped to procure, and stared at the new contact entry.
“Dia…” Phos lamented, staring at their phone screen for a few minutes. Phos wasn't sure whether they were happy or anxious about making a new friend. Perhaps it was both.
Instead of dwelling on those feelings, Phos marched themselves straight to their room, where they were greeted with the uncomfortable reminder of emptiness. It was always there, but for some reason it hit Phos just as hard in that moment as it did the day they had come home from the accident.
Antarc’s dresser remained untouched, as did their work uniform that hung from the closet door. Dust had begun to form on the dresser, due to the lack of cleaning. The pictures on top of the dresser were also full of dust. They were pictures of the two of them, happily smiling together and holding hands.
Angrily, Phos slammed down the pictures so that they were face down and couldn't be seen anymore. They couldn't explain the anger they had, but they were angry. So angry. Maybe they were angry at themself for letting the accident happen, or perhaps they were angry that every single day they had to be reminded of their loss. Part of them was even angry at Antarc for pushing them away when they had tried to rescue them. There were so many things Phos could be angry about, but they couldn't make any sense of it.
Their anger eventually turned to sadness, and later to tears, as they knelt down on the floor, head buried in their hands. Through their wails and whimpers, Phos screamed into their hands, their voice muffled enough that it wouldn't disturb the neighbours. They screamed so, so many things, so many vulgar words, and they screamed Antarc’s name as if they could somehow, in some way, hear them.
Phos screamed until their throat burned, and even when it hurt to scream they screamed some more.
“It's not fair…” They bawled. “Why did this have to happen?”
Phos curled themself up into a ball on the floor, continuing to weep, when they heard their text tone go off from the living room.
They didn't move, though. Instead they continued to lay on the floor, their tears starting to dry up. Their mood had gone from anger, to sadness, to complete numbness, and Phos had no idea what to do. What do you do when you can't stop blaming yourself for the death of your lover? What do you do when every night you come home and lament over your own loneliness? What is anyone supposed to do in this situation?
Phos’s thoughts began racing, which resulted in them squeezing their eyes shut tightly. They thought about quitting their job and going back home to their parent and to Jade. They thought about calling in sick on their next day of work. They thought about the funeral expenses that had piled up, and they thought about how they were afraid of going to the funeral. The expenses and planning were all handled by Phos, since Antarc had no family left to handle it. It was stressful and hectic, but it kept Phos busy at least. Phos then began to think about how they were barely making enough money to live in the apartment—rent was so expensive, and they also had bills and food to account for. They didn't want this responsibility. Despite their earlier claims of wanting to fight to stay here, they didn’t want to any longer. They just wanted Antarc back, and they would give anything to have that happen.
But that was impossible. Phos knew that in the back of their mind, but they couldn't stop picturing how pristine their life would be if Antarc were still alive. Antarc would have been so happy to hear that Phos had made a friend today. They would have been so proud.
They continued to lay there, stewing in their thoughts, for quite some time. The feeling of indifference felt immobilizing. They didn’t want to move, and Phos felt their mood shifting to complete apathy. Their mind went completely blank, which made the time going by seem like nothing.
Before they had realized it, an hour had passed.
Feeling their body start to stiffen, Phos forced themselves to stand. They staggered to the living room and, upon seeing their phone, remembered they had received a message.
It was from Dia.
“hello phos! i hope you're having a good evening. is there any chance you'll be free on monday night? ”
While it was true Phos always had to work Monday’s, they were usually done before dinner time, so they more than likely would be free. Phos wasn't sure they really wanted any kind of company, however.
Before they could think too long about it though, Phos’s fingers began moving on their own.
“yeah sure i'm usually off work around 5:30 ”
Assuming Dia would probably take some time to answer, and completely anxious about sending that message, Phos began getting a shower ready. They grabbed a towel from the hallway closet, and gathered up a fresh pair of underwear and warm pajamas. They set them all on the towel rack, and returned to their phone in the living room. Picking it up, they noticed Dia had answered.
“oh good! would you like to go for coffee then? ”
Dia was kind. A kindness that Phos hadn’t felt since Antarc had left. But it was… different. Dia was different. Dia was not Antarc, but their kindness reminded Phos of what they had lost. There was a sweet sort of sadness that Phos felt welling up inside of them, but for a split second they felt something… good. Their anxiety had settled down, and they felt hope.
“sure. can we meet at the tim horton’s across from the flower shop? ”
Bringing their phone with them to the bathroom, Phos placed it on the vanity. They began taking their clothes off, layer by layer. First their fleece sweater, which was a gift from Jade. It was an emerald green, which was their siblings favourite colour. Jade had been incredibly uneasy about Phos leaving to live somewhere so cold and so far away, so they made sure to buy them a very warm sweater to put their mind at ease. “You have to promise me you’ll wear it!” Phos remembered them shouting upon giving it to them before leaving for the airport.
It was a pleasant memory that Phos had almost forgotten.
They then began taking off the rest of their clothes, which included a plain white t-shirt and dark grey sweat pants, as well as their fuzzy white socks. Phos remembered their parent gifting them with said socks, warning Phos of how cold their feet would get if they didn’t wear them.
After they were finished, Phos’s text tone sounded. Another message from Dia.
“sure, sounds great! i’ll meet you there at 5:30, ok? ”
Phos sent a confirmation back, placing their phone back on the vanity, and began running water for their shower. They made it as hot as they could without reaching scorching levels, and hopped in. The heat felt incredible after a long day of working and being out in the cold. It was mid December, so winter was well in bloom. It had been a chilly -10 degrees celsius, dropping down to about -14 that evening—and that’s without the wind chill! Without much heat in the apartment, it was quite cold.
Phos enjoyed letting the water run down their body for a good while before starting to shampoo their hair. They enjoyed the heat and the steam, which seemed to have cleared their thoughts up a little bit. Phos imagined various scenarios in which they would meet Dia on Monday, and in the blink of an eye, Phos was finished. They dried themselves off and changed into their fresh, clean pajamas, grabbed their phone and dirty laundry, and headed to their room.
Turning the light on, they threw their dirty clothes into a laundry basket that was by the closet door. Afterwards, they plugged their phone into the phone charger which rested on the nightstand, and turned the lights off. Climbing into Antarc’s side of the bed and burying their body in heavy covers, Phos felt warm and cozy, and readied themselves in hopes for a decent night's sleep.